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A Red Flag I believe Strong, Independent and SINGLE Women need to Look Out for

Nicole Stewart
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Be careful about what you ‘believe’ you ‘know’ in the relational field. Particularly if its a condemning ‘knowing’ that tells you something that you deep down know you want isn’t possible.

Your desires and needs are your God-given compass.

Learn to hold them as such.

Those were the last three lines of my blog last week (Read Part 1 Here), sharing about a pattern I see in many of today’s driven, independent women who feel relationally unsatisfied.

 
Today, I’m coming in with Part 2, where I want to speak to how I see this pattern playing out right now, specifically for ambitious and successful women who are single.

There is an archetype of strong, performance driven women in the world right now struggling to find satisfying connections with men.

I had coffee with one of these women recently where she shared with me, filled with contempt, that her and her friends are simply “sick of men’s shit”, and that some of her successful friends have even given up on partnership and family altogether.

Aside from a feeling of sadness when I hear these statements, I see and sense two things.

Firstly, and importantly, compassion for their pain. It is no doubt the women I’m describing have had painful, disappointing experiences in connection that have them feeling this way.

There are ways that men acting from unconscious immaturity, entitlement, aggression etc, have caused deep pain through their actions and choices.

This pain absolutely deserves compassion and tending, and there’s no denying the impact of those behaviours.

And, how a woman chooses to process and deal with that pain, determines who she becomes.

This second piece, is a responsibility piece.

If a woman becomes filled with suspicion and contempt in an attempt to protect herself, when a man comes towards her, she holds what she calls ‘high standards’ for him to meet, when in reality she’s created an impossible puzzle he’s destined to fail.

Her contempt, judgement and hardening towards men in general aren’t relationally constructive. Yes, she’s in pain. Yes, she’s been hurt. Yes, it was wrong that she experienced what she did in the past. 

And, you will never create a mutually satisfying, emotionally safe, erotically hot, romantic relationship with a man when you feel this way.

If you carry old pain in your cells and past hurts in your heart, it’s not your fault. But it is your responsibility.

Until you’re ready to turn towards that pain, digest and process it effectively so it’s no longer existing like armour around your heart, you will push away many of the things you say you want.

It’s vulnerable to open again after you’ve been hurt. It’s scary to trust again. It’s scary to trust yourself when you’ve made poor choices in the past. It’s extra hard to do all these things and learn to be relationally constructive and healthy if you grew up in a home where you saw the opposite…

But it’s worth it, if what you want IS that satisfying, safe, hot romance.

Some of my male colleagues were surprised recently when I shared that something I find myself discussing with some of my driven female clients when they want more satisfying relationships with the men in their lives, is their deep belief systems that say versions of “you can’t trust men”, “men only want one thing…”, “men are stupid” etc…

 

So for the single, driven, independent, capable women out there, who also want love, I’m inviting you to examine what you ‘know’ in the relational field.

Are most men all stupid, selfish, horny assholes?

And are your standards truly standards, or have you just condemned anyone who tries to get too close before they have a chance to hurt you?

 

With so much compassion for your humanity, and the protective mechanisms that have kept you safe till now, and in service to your liberation. 🌹

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Never underestimate the power of your past. Because it’s not in the past. It’s here in this living moment with you – woven into your responses, choices and perceptions; baked into your nervous system and psyche through and reinforcement and repetition.

That doesn’t mean your past has to define you, not at all.

Though, you’re lying to yourself if you say ‘its in the past’, yet have done no work to clear the ripples of that past from your system to create space for something new.

Yesterday, in a session with my coach, I went ‘back in time’ to the end of 2020, when I went through an experience that was somewhat challenging for me.

Here is a sublime example

Despite acknowledging the challenge at the time, I realised looking back that I hadn’t fully resolved or digested what happened there.

Part of me stayed frozen in that experience, and on the subtlest of levels, I have gotten in my own way unconsciously ever since.

That past experience was with me in every moment. It informed my capacity and energy levels, choices and perceptions.

And this is how the past shapes us – you have experiences that your system ‘learns’ from, and you then – often completely unconsciously – adjust accordingly to avoid repeating painful or difficult events.

We are such clever adaptive creatures.

But, those ‘adaptations’ will inadvertently shape your behaviour, attitudes, thoughts and feelings in a way that can begin to inhibit your ability to fully show up for your business or career, relationships, and life in general.

If you bring the process of ‘learning’ from these past experiences into consciousness, you gift yourself the chance to mine the gold from the past, get the learnings and gifts link example: and then move forward with your life.

„ QUOTE DESIGN: I CALL THIS PROCESS ‘DIGESTING’ YOUR PAST EXPERIENCES, AND HAVE SPECIFIC PRACTICES I TEACH TO SUPPORT YOU TO DO THIS.“

I call this process ‘digesting’ your past experiences, and have specific practices I teach to support you to do this.

The challenges of the past – and your adaptations – can become like a cage you find yourself living in if you’re not aware, but this digestion process ensures your continued liberation…

Which past experiences do you need to free yourself from?

And this is how the past shapes us – you have experiences that your system ‘learns’ from, and you then – often completely unconsciously – adjust accordingly to avoid repeating painful or difficult events.

We are such clever adaptive creatures.

But, those ‘adaptations’ will inadvertently shape your behaviour, attitudes, thoughts and feelings in a way that can begin to inhibit your ability to fully show up for your business or career, relationships, and life in general.

If you bring the process of ‘learning’ from these past experiences into consciousness, you gift yourself the chance to mine the gold from the past, get the learnings.

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