A client this week told me that she “knows” her needs cannot be met in her relationship. She shared with grace and some resignation that she has grieved the absence of those needs…
Here’s why this is a 🚩 red flag for me;
When a woman ‘knows’ that her needs cannot be met, that is NOT always an accurate assessment of the relationship she’s inside of.
That ‘knowing’ so often comes from a wound template she has inherited and picked up through her early experiences.
I’m not saying she has’t had experiences in her relationship that might have reinforced this belief.
But when you’ve had early experiences that have taught you to neglect or abandon your own needs to stay safe in relationships, your ability to discern whether another person is actually capable of meeting you in the places your heart desires is going to be distorted, and you will also lack the ability to skilfully ASK for those needs to be met and then have that happen.
I have journeyed with this deeply myself, and through my work I’ve come to see that many of those we call the ‘strong, independent women’ of our time carry this in the roots system of their psyche.
The strong, capable woman who has learned to navigate life with tremendous capacity and not need a lot from others along the way, so often believes fundamentally that her deeper needs can never be met.
She’s had enough experiences of this early on and then in adult relating, that it’s simply ‘the truth’.
And the risk is that she closes her heart to the possibility of ever having her needs met…
This belief and corresponding closure feeds distance and resentment, and erodes relationships. It stymies your ability to open to depths of love and intimacy that your heart may be longing for.
The relational ecosystem of my childhood home taught me to clamp down on my deeper emotional needs.
Not only did I fundamentally believe that my needs could never be met, but I became numb to them myself. I never developed the skills to talk about them, make requests, navigate disappointments, and be ‘relational’ in the way I approached this with others.
I consistently attracted partners as an adult who reflected this back to me, either via their cruelty or their apathy towards me, until I grew the capacity to get honest with myself that there was a depth I was yearning for that I no longer wanted to ignore.
And then, I still had to learn (and am still learning in deeper and deeper ways) to hold the tremendous vulnerability required to stay OPEN to having my needs met, to hold my desire and needs in my own heart as if they’re good and right and advocate for them in ways that are relational and constructive without collapsing into abandoning myself, or punishing my partner.
Re-writing this narrative in my heart and body has been (and continues to be at times) one of the most excruciatingly tender journeys I’ve been on. It’s forced me to confront myself in ways I never had before.
AND, it’s made available to me a depth of being seen, met, supported and loved by my partner and the people closest to me that has transformed me. My deepest relational desires have and are coming true because I’m now available to LET THEM IN.
So many smart, strong women who are yearning to be relationally satisfied don’t yet know how to be loved in that way, or are not yet open to being loved there yet…
Be careful about what you ‘believe’ you ‘know’ in the relational field. Particularly if its a condemning ‘knowing’ that tells you something that you deep down know you want isn’t possible.
Your desires and needs are your God-given compass.
Learn to hold them as such.
🌹🌹🌹
Next week, I’ll follow up with Part 2 of this dynamic, and explore how this plays out in single women who believe they’re holding High Standards for their suitors, when they’re really preemptively condemning anyone who gets close under the guise of being “Sick of Men’s shit”.