Dethroning Perfection

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dethroning perfection

The goal posts must become ‘healthy and gracious navigation of the beautiful mess that it is to be human’ – not ‘perfection’.

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My partner, Philip, and I during our Sydney trip.

On Sunday, during a 5 Rhythms class during our trip to Sydney, a big wave of sadness and grief showed up for me. I had a choice to make: I had to choose between 1 – the discomfort of actively repressing my own feeling, or 2 – the discomfort of being the person having a cry on the dance floor.

Let me be clear, I spent a LOT of my life choosing option 1, and as much as possible, I’m not doing that anymore.

So there I am, having a big feeling, relatively in the corner and being as discreet as possible (cause geez it’s still super uncomfortable for me to do this!), and moving the sensation and emotion through my body.

At one point it got quite intense, so I chose to step outside and put my feet on the grass for a few minutes. I wanted to check in, what did I need? Was I overriding myself to stay in the dance? What did I really want?

After a short time to myself, I could feel what I really wanted was connection. Again I had a choice to make, because I could absolutely feel the pull of my old pattern: “Wait till the dance finishes, don’t take this ‘mess’ back to a group of people having a great time…” But, good god, how often am I loving someone else in their mess and letting them know it’s totally welcome?? – I decided on this occasion to offer the same to myself and go back into the class…

When I returned, my partner had noticed I was missing and checked in on me, let me know I was so loved and asked if I needed anything from him. Another choice to make.. Old pattern (loudly): “Say no! He’s having a wonderful time, absolutely don’t interrupt his experience because I’m having a challenging moment. This feeling is mine and therefore MY responsibility…” Instead, I was honest; I made it clear I was having a hard time and told him I didn’t know what I needed. We danced together for a while, his presence, encouragement and touch supporting me to move through the last of my emotion, and to have my desire for connection be met.

I finished the dance in a sweet and soft though still slightly raw place.

Afterwards, during a walk to the beach, I shared more about what I was feeling and why, and got to feel heard, validated and supported…

What’s fascinating, is that in my old map of life and relating, this whole experience is ‘problematic’: the idea that my ‘messy’ emotions/needs took up space and time in my partner’s world, in a particularly public way. The fact that I was having quite a big feeling about something, and couldn’t simply be nonchalant about it. That it was challenging to know what I needed and even more challenging to articulate that gracefully…

And yet, in reality, I’m actually in HEALTHIER relationship than EVER with myself, despite there being more outward mess, despite there being more ‘challenging’ conversations and emotions to process.

Feeling safe enough in myself and my relationship that that whole experience took place the way it did is actually a huge celebration, for me. Being self responsible is never my issue or edge – being openly vulnerable, letting myself be seen and held and supported when I’m struggling, absolutely has been, and is something I’ll likely always be learning how to do better. The gold from this – feeling deeply seen, known and loved in ALL of myself by my partner, feeling like I’m not hiding anything, feeling in integrity with myself – is what my heart deeply yearned for for SUCH a long time, but I consistently blocked myself from having with my independence.

For someone with a different blueprint to my own, the experience I had on Sunday might have been utterly normal, and the right ‘medicine’ for them may have been found in holding their own feeling rather than letting it unfold into the space like that.

There’s no right or wrong. Being human is FAR messier and less black and white than that.

There’s you, learning to listen deeply to YOUR own being, and being present and honest enough with yourself to make moment by moment choices that are healthy and right for you. 💕

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Never underestimate the power of your past. Because it’s not in the past. It’s here in this living moment with you – woven into your responses, choices and perceptions; baked into your nervous system and psyche through and reinforcement and repetition.

That doesn’t mean your past has to define you, not at all.

Though, you’re lying to yourself if you say ‘its in the past’, yet have done no work to clear the ripples of that past from your system to create space for something new.

Yesterday, in a session with my coach, I went ‘back in time’ to the end of 2020, when I went through an experience that was somewhat challenging for me.

Here is a sublime example

Despite acknowledging the challenge at the time, I realised looking back that I hadn’t fully resolved or digested what happened there.

Part of me stayed frozen in that experience, and on the subtlest of levels, I have gotten in my own way unconsciously ever since.

That past experience was with me in every moment. It informed my capacity and energy levels, choices and perceptions.

And this is how the past shapes us – you have experiences that your system ‘learns’ from, and you then – often completely unconsciously – adjust accordingly to avoid repeating painful or difficult events.

We are such clever adaptive creatures.

But, those ‘adaptations’ will inadvertently shape your behaviour, attitudes, thoughts and feelings in a way that can begin to inhibit your ability to fully show up for your business or career, relationships, and life in general.

If you bring the process of ‘learning’ from these past experiences into consciousness, you gift yourself the chance to mine the gold from the past, get the learnings and gifts link example: and then move forward with your life.

„ QUOTE DESIGN: I CALL THIS PROCESS ‘DIGESTING’ YOUR PAST EXPERIENCES, AND HAVE SPECIFIC PRACTICES I TEACH TO SUPPORT YOU TO DO THIS.“

I call this process ‘digesting’ your past experiences, and have specific practices I teach to support you to do this.

The challenges of the past – and your adaptations – can become like a cage you find yourself living in if you’re not aware, but this digestion process ensures your continued liberation…

Which past experiences do you need to free yourself from?

And this is how the past shapes us – you have experiences that your system ‘learns’ from, and you then – often completely unconsciously – adjust accordingly to avoid repeating painful or difficult events.

We are such clever adaptive creatures.

But, those ‘adaptations’ will inadvertently shape your behaviour, attitudes, thoughts and feelings in a way that can begin to inhibit your ability to fully show up for your business or career, relationships, and life in general.

If you bring the process of ‘learning’ from these past experiences into consciousness, you gift yourself the chance to mine the gold from the past, get the learnings.

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