Getting to the Other Side of Fear

On Monday this week my fiancé and I spent the day at a funeral for an old friend of his...

Early 40’s, aggressive pancreatic cancer, left behind a wife and 2yo son…

Pretty devastating.

And, a truly beautiful service and celebration of his life!

Although I never met him personally, it was so clear the impact he’d had on those in his life through his effervescence, big heart and passion for living.

Jamé was a musician, so there was live music and despite the sadness of the occasion, a lot of laughter, cheering and joy.

All of the eulogies and tributes were touching, but there were a few words that stood out to me from the rest.

One woman who’d been a close friend of Jamé’s shared that through his championing of her and his enthusiasm for life, he’d taken her “to the other side of fear”…

🤍🙏🏻🕊️

Most of us spend a lot of our lives inhibited by fear, I believe.

Even those folk who like to say “fuck what everyone else thinks, I always show up as my biggest, most uninhibited self” can’t escape the remarkable protective mechanisms wired into their biology that subtly steer them away from potentially threatening situations.

Of course ‘potentially threatening situations’ means something different for everyone, and what feels totally in range for one person might feel horrifying to you, and vice versa.

In my time as an elite athlete in a dangerous sport, and coaching many others, I’ve had the chance to get very intimate with fear.

Most people believe willpower is the answer when fear arises.

‘Grit your teeth and do it anyway’ kinda stuff.

They’re holding their breath and trying to force their way into the things that frighten them, then feeling frustrated when that fails and beating themselves up.

Just this week I had a conversation with a highly intelligent woman running up against her fear of setting boundaries in a professional setting with some men who were behaving in ways that felt really out of line to her.

She hated that she felt weak and didn’t have her own back, and was continuing to promise herself ‘next time will be different’, then feeling furious with herself for freezing in fear and being unable to find her voice again in the next instance.

But here’s the thing about fear…

You can’t ‘beat’ fear, not in a ‘power over’ kind of way, anyway.

You’re biologically wired to be scared of stuff.

Sure, maybe you can grit your teeth and activate your will enough to do the thing anyway, though the results are hit and miss at best and you’re just creating more hardness in your system as you feel the need to ‘push’ your way through.

The real way to get to the other side of fear, is to slow right down with it, get really still and really curious..

To catch the reflexive part of you that wants to speed up, run away, harden, force, hold your breath, distract and all the other ways you avoid feeling fear.

And feel it.

Feel the part of you that’s scared. Listen to her. Hold her (yourself). Soothe her (yourself). Love her (yourself).

Breathe with your fear and find ways to move it through your body. Dance, shake, cry, rock.

And then, find your way to do the thing from this place.

You might still feel scared, but when you move with this deep self holding, the results are totally different to if you’d just white knuckled your way through.

✨

So, what lives on the other side of fear?

Probably, all the things you most deeply yearn for.

That great love.

That business.

That impact.

That family.

Truly letting yourself be seen.

SO many things that are worth living for!

Today, and this weekend, and this week, and this year, and this life, when fear arises; rather than gritting your teeth, see if you can slow right down with yourself, take a deep breath, love your scared parts in that moment and lean on in to seeing whats possible.

You’ll literally never escape fear, but you can learn to stop fighting it, and instead make your way towards your dreams with softness, deep compassion and tender care.

You have NO IDEA what might be right round the corner for you, and your family, and those you love; life is heartbreakingly short, and so precious.

So please, go and LIVE.

🤍🙏🏻🕊️

You can listen to Jamé Forbes’ music on his YouTube channel here; https://www.youtube.com/@jameforbes

Never underestimate the power of your past. Because it’s not in the past. It’s here in this living moment with you – woven into your responses, choices and perceptions; baked into your nervous system and psyche through and reinforcement and repetition.

That doesn’t mean your past has to define you, not at all.

Though, you’re lying to yourself if you say ‘its in the past’, yet have done no work to clear the ripples of that past from your system to create space for something new.

Yesterday, in a session with my coach, I went ‘back in time’ to the end of 2020, when I went through an experience that was somewhat challenging for me.

Here is a sublime example

Despite acknowledging the challenge at the time, I realised looking back that I hadn’t fully resolved or digested what happened there.

Part of me stayed frozen in that experience, and on the subtlest of levels, I have gotten in my own way unconsciously ever since.

That past experience was with me in every moment. It informed my capacity and energy levels, choices and perceptions.

And this is how the past shapes us – you have experiences that your system ‘learns’ from, and you then – often completely unconsciously – adjust accordingly to avoid repeating painful or difficult events.

We are such clever adaptive creatures.

But, those ‘adaptations’ will inadvertently shape your behaviour, attitudes, thoughts and feelings in a way that can begin to inhibit your ability to fully show up for your business or career, relationships, and life in general.

If you bring the process of ‘learning’ from these past experiences into consciousness, you gift yourself the chance to mine the gold from the past, get the learnings and gifts link example: and then move forward with your life.

„ QUOTE DESIGN: I CALL THIS PROCESS ‘DIGESTING’ YOUR PAST EXPERIENCES, AND HAVE SPECIFIC PRACTICES I TEACH TO SUPPORT YOU TO DO THIS.“

I call this process ‘digesting’ your past experiences, and have specific practices I teach to support you to do this.

The challenges of the past – and your adaptations – can become like a cage you find yourself living in if you’re not aware, but this digestion process ensures your continued liberation…

Which past experiences do you need to free yourself from?

We are such clever adaptive creatures.

If you bring the process of ‘learning’ from these past experiences into consciousness, you gift yourself the chance to mine the gold from the past, get the learnings.