holding big sensations
A vulnerable, powerful moment from my week…
“May I bring you on side with something I’d like to change in and for myself?” I asked him over dinner.
“Yep,” he said matter of factly.
I went on to share the pattern that I was noticing in myself, and how it was playing out in our relationship.
I shared I felt stuck and didn’t know how to proceed, but knew that I wanted things to be different, and that I needed his support.
We explored it from a few different angles. Both of us found ways we could take responsibility for creating change.
“If we both do a little of that, we’ll probably get some great results,” he said at the end with soft eyes, squeezing my hand.
I felt heard and supported, and proud of myself. My heart was soft and open.
We naturally flowed into other topics as we finished our meal…
Ohhhh wow. There were some moments in our exploration where I wanted to climb out of my body and be ANYWHERE but right there.
SUCH big sensation.
This is a skillset I’m still developing.
But my capacity to hold those sensations is growing.
I’m finding myself calmer during those conversations, so I can feel myself more, so I can be more honest and say the ‘scary things’ (usually some deep desire or something I’m scared of being rejected over).
It’s just practice. Repetition.
The more I have the ‘hard’ conversations, the easier they get…of course.
SO often, I speak to women deep in regret and frustration with themselves when they have not communicated the way they want to be able to inside a relationship – they’ve either ‘exploded’ and ended up in an argument, or ‘collapsed’ and not been fully truthful or minimised their own experience.
This might be in their workplace with their team or boss, with their partner, or anyone, really.
And myyyyyy gosh can I relate – I have been there MANY times. The sting of disappointment that I couldn’t just maintain presence and SAY THE DAMN THING! The feeling of having abandoned myself, again.
The reason you have those ‘explode’ or ‘collapse’ moments is ALWAYS to do with your capacity to hold sensation.
It is HIGH SENSATION to have these conversations! It feels uncomfortable. You’re hot under the collar and sweaty and maybe you want to disappear. You’re rubbing right up against any old wounds you might have around not being heard or supported in the past. Fight or flight system fully online, your body is ready to jump in and save your life!
And so, it finds a way to offload that tension – by snapping, criticising, shouting or exploding – or, by shutting down, giving up or stonewalling… All protective moves.
Aaaaanything, to not have to feel that oh so intense fire of being truly vulnerable.
Risking yourself, exposing yourself to someone…
But the big secret is…everything you want in life is on the other side of vulnerability.
So, it might be time to learn how to do it.