Recently, I found myself at odds with my partner. We’d descended into some sticky conversations about needs not being met where I wasn’t feeling heard and he felt like he couldn’t win. 😢
The end of last year was a real sprint for me in the work department, and truth be told I’d slipped into not caring for myself well. My boundaries with work hours had gone out the window, I wasn’t moving my body enough and the tone of my attention towards myself wasn’t warm and kind when I needed it to be.
That had left me starting 2024 in a pretty depleted space in myself, and I’d begun to unconsciously reach to Philip to fill me up.
Which was great when he was available to meet me! But, when he couldn’t or wouldn’t, it was like a direct hit to some of my core wounds about not being wanted.
The tone in our relationship and household for a few weeks there was pretty brittle…
This dance is SO COMMON. She feels unmet, unheard, unimportant. He feels exhausted, berated, and wants to distance himself as a result.
The popular cultural narrative in response to this dance criticises men for being emotionally unavailable, avoidant or otherwise ‘wrong’.
The popular cultural narrative in response to this defends the depleted feminine – after all, tropes about the ‘Nagging Wife’ aren’t exactly aspirational!
“I wouldn’t need to nag if he listened and did what he was told!”
“I wouldn’t complain if he just did as I asked.”
Such familiar justifications…
Yet, they keep the women who say them stuck in righteousness, closed off to and frustrated with the people they love and ultimately, hurting.
Today, I want to point out where the archetype of the ‘Whinging Woman’ or the ‘Nagging Wife’ are very real.
Because as women, if we truly want to be met, satisfied and overjoyed in our relationships, we’ve GOT to take responsibility for our role in this dance.
Men (and the masculine) have their own corresponding archetype of apathy, which is theirs to challenge, but that’s not for today’s post.
See, the tricky thing is, some of the needs I had that weren’t being met, were very valid. It was totally okay that I was feeling hurt and disappointed, it was a reasonable response, in fact!
So it LOOKS like I’m totally justified in my complaints…
But the problem was that I was personalising my partner not being able to meet them, and doing nothing to meet them in myself.
My own metaphoric ‘cup’ was depleted, and instead of pouring my warmth, love, attention and touch into myself, I was waiting for him to do it for me, then feeling devastated when he didn’t.
This circuitry and state keeps women (and the feminine) trapped in depletion, in stories of not being wanted or loved, in a state of not being able to see the goodness in the men in her life, and with a closed heart.
It HURTS to live like this.
And when you stay in this disparaged state, the only ways to proceed are to get louder with your demands, while feeling less valued and heard and more frustrated and resentful; or close down your heart and withdraw yourself in protection.
Ironically, the fully nourished, overflowing in generosity, gratitude and abundance feminine is the very energy that calls the masculine to WANT to meet us as women, fill us and ravish us. She magnetises, inspires and delights.
But it’s YOUR job to take yourself there.
He can’t do it for you!
No amount of nagging, complaining, asking sweetly, getting angry or any of your other favourite ‘moves’ will work here, because actually, even if he shows up fully, there’s something in the very energetic nature of the depleted feminine that means this pattern of ‘not enough’ will ALWAYS find somewhere to play out.
I’m grateful that with the support of one of my coaches I saw what was playing out and have walked the path back to my own internal fullness enough times that I was able to change gears quickly and rectify what was happening IN ME.
Low and behold, I feel different, the tone in our connection changes, and my partner shows up differently…in all the ways that I wanted him to before.
But now he’s genuinely inspired, because I’m coming to him FULL.
And when he can’t meet me there, it’s no longer a reflection on me, no longer a reason to close my heart and withdraw or grasp at him. It’s simply a moment in time in a lifetime of moments we’ve committed to sharing together.
If you notice yourself in this dance in your partnership, here are my questions for you to ponder:
- What are you making it mean ABOUT YOU when he doesn’t meet your needs? What story is this affirming about yourself?
- How does it feel in your body to believe that story about yourself?
- What are the ways you’re currently reinforcing this story to yourself? Are you indulging in hurting yourself by replaying painful moments over and over in your mind? Are you being unkind to yourself?
- Objectively, what’s going on for him right now that has nothing to do with you? Is he stressed? Having a hard time financially? Whats happening in his world? (This isn’t an excuse, its a chance to stop making his behaviour about you, so you can turn towards yourself.)
- What are three things you can do for yourself TODAY that FEEL GOOD? Is it a slow bath tonight? Having some fun connection time with a girlfriend? Going to be in nature? Putting on some music and moving your body?
