In case you haven’t heard it before, there’s a very big difference between being organised enough to have your life look like it’s under control, and being a woman who is truly rested into her radiance, fullness and power while she creates.
The first is a woman who could be thought of as the perfect duck – she’s all peace and serenity on the surface, but beneath the surface she’s paddling like crazy to stay afloat and keep moving forwards.
These women have become expert at looking like they have everything handled, but on the inside they’re frantic, disconnected from themselves and trying to please everyone, and often hiding big insecurities, resentment and exhaustion.
No judgement to this lady – I get it, and I’ve lived like this.
So much of our conditioning in this western culture favours performance and progress. So for a smart, capable woman who’s been rewarded for your intellect and achievements, but perhaps NOT celebrated for your sensitivity and need for rest, it’s all too easy to learn to slap on a mask of how you think you’re meant to be, hiding the parts of yourself that seem less favourable and forging ahead.
Life can look pretty awesome from this place.
But it wears thin, because usually, it doesn’t FEEL good. I know this way of operating contributed to my burnout, and it’s taken a long time to unravel the patterns of over-functioning, self abandonment and protection from my system so that I CAN choose differently.
Many women want change – I know I did.
But the path to the life I was dreaming of required me to confront myself, feel things, and make choices that have been HARD.
So today, I’m pulling back the curtain and sharing six things no one tells you about creating (and living!) your rich, abundant, deeply satisfying life.
ONE – You will probably lose people along the way.
As you begin to get honest with yourself about what you really want and need, what your true capacity is (not what others want from you), where you might have been performing, over-giving and not being true to yourself, you’ll need to make some changes.
Not everyone will celebrate the changes in you.
This one is a big fear for the people pleasers and can be a huge reason women play small and hide their truth. 👀
We are wired for belonging – social safety is something your deepest unconscious systems are designed to protect and uphold, so it can quite literally feel like risking death to step outside of what gets approval from those you love in favour of your own soul.
I have lost some dear friends as I walked further down this path of authenticity and choosing myself fully. Truthfully, it’s been some of the hardest experiences of my life to break apart from people who I’ve considered as close as family.
It’s easy to say things like “just be yourself and the right people will be drawn to you, and those who aren’t just aren’t your people” – it’s much harder to live that as a reality when you’re confronted with the end of long term, close relationships because you’ve chosen yourself.
For me, these experiences had me question my integrity, intuition and instincts as well as my self concept as a ‘good friend’. My community and social network has completely changed since, and I’ve gotten really willing to stand with myself (even if that means standing alone).
I’ve worked with clients who have made the hard decision to end marriages, step out of unhealthy dynamics with family members and allow old friendships to dissolve when they no longer felt aligned. It always brings up vulnerabilities, doubts and fears.
Following these events, I HAVE cultivated deeper and more meaningful relationships with people who DO celebrate the woman I’ve grown into. Be willing to choose yourself.
TWO – Overworking is often a trauma response in disguise.
Working hard is rewarded in our culture! Especially if you’re working hard on something you genuinely care about, its so easy to miss the sometimes subtle underlying thread of anxiety that’s keeping the foot of many driven women firmly on the metaphorical accelerator.
If you have conditioning around survival or scarcity or if you learned early on that love and approval were earned through performance or being a good girl, slowing down or risking feeling less productive can be terrifying.
And unfortunately, it’s still often celebrated as a virtue.
Entrepreneurial quotes like “live a few years of your life how other people won’t, so you can live the rest of your life how other people can’t” glorify overworking and perpetuate the narrative that going beyond a limit that’s healthy and sustainable for your system is totally okay if it’s tied to achievement.
Young ‘good girls’ grow up to be high achieving women who put themselves and their needs aside to chase success.
If this was you, there’s a good chance you don’t know what your needs and limits actually are, because you’ve spent a lifetime going beyond them. You can so easily drive yourself into burnout through consistently disregarding your limits and deeper needs over time.
If you want that deeply satisfying life – a life that feels as good as it looks on the outside, you’ll have to unravel these patterns and learn to source your motivation from a different place.
THREE – Your health and body NEED your care and attention more than you might think.
We’ve all heard the stories of the folk who work their backsides off to climb the corporate ladder or grow an empire, only to have significant health challenges de-rail the whole thing.
If you’ve been close to someone like that, you’ll know that those health challenges came following plenty of yellow (and sometimes red!) flags, that were usually ignored so that person could continue pushing themselves.
The impacts of chronic stress, sleep deprivation, not enough movement or natural light, dehydration, poor diet and excess screen time are significant.
We all ‘know’ this, but it’s still way too easy to slip into bad habits, and often we don’t recognise the importance of our health until it’s in jeopardy…
I mentioned earlier that I’d gone through some challenges losing friendships on my path. That was honestly harder than any romantic breakup I’ve experienced, and the stress and grief I felt during that chapter of life (despite all my tools – I teach this stuff!) impacted me enough that my sleep and hormonal balance suffered, which in turn impacted my energy levels, immune system, mood and resilience, creating a big spiral.
Wow did I develop a new appreciation for how important sleep and hormonal balance is.
But I see this with clients too. They work so hard for so long, disregarding the warning signs and not taking good care of themselves, until it reaches a critical mass and they burn out.
If your body is sending little yellow flags, listen! Don’t wait until you’ve got something to cure – prevention truly is way better, and if you want a life that FEELS as good as it looks, you can’t do that with a body that’s running on fumes and not being well cared for.
FOUR – You’ll need to redefine your purpose and rediscover your identity.
As you’ve grown yourself, you’ve worked hard in your business or career and climbed the proverbial ladder.
Maybe there’s been times you’ve had a lot of student debt, been on low income, or been in less lucrative business phases.
It’s completely valid to feel proud of yourself for your persistence, resilience and commitment during those chapters.
And, it’s easy to begin to identify as a bit of a soldier. ‘Survival mode’ becomes normal. And as you grow, even when you reach a stage where you have more than enough, those old ways of thinking and seeing yourself can be pervasive.
If you want a deeply satisfying, personally fulfilled life – a soft, relaxed nervous system, success with pleasure and spaciousness, all the good stuff 😉 – you’re going to need to learn to see yourself as someone who lives truly abundantly. Someone who has enough.
As you exit survival mode, you need to bring your psychology with you, to learn to rest into a feeling that you’re taken care of and can trust in the fullness of life. Your purpose is no longer oriented to survival.
In Australia, we also have something interesting called ‘the tall poppy syndrome’ where if you stand up too tall, shine too bright, others might just want to come along and cut the head off that ‘tall poppy’.
If you’ve connected with people and found belonging and bonding over the hard times, when you start to really thrive, it can change the dynamics in those relationships. Ideally it won’t, and your people will totally celebrate your growth, but I’ve seen many a woman downplay her radiance or dim her light to keep others comfortable, and I’ve also seen women cut others down for shining TOO bright, so the quandary can be real.
Who are you as a woman who glows from within, trusts life and knows herself as exquisitely worthy and powerful?
And just a little hint… installing this new psychology and state of being while you’re still finding your way out of survival mode is a beautiful way to help that process!
FIVE – Your life will never be perfect.
All the growth. All the success. All the money. All the recognition. All the personal happiness.. All the GOOD stuff, can’t (and won’t!) protect you from challenges.
Life happens.
People and pets die.
Friendships end.
You miss opportunities.
Some women believe that when they get to a certain level of growth and personal success they will no longer face challenges, and it’s simply not true.
Part of being a deeply satisfied woman and having that rich life, is your ability to navigate the waves of life with grace.
This means softness with yourself and compassion for others (while having clean and clear boundaries). Flexibility. Resilience. Courage.
If you want more power, responsibility, wealth and impact, actually your problems will usually get bigger in proportion to those dreams, because you’re taking bigger risks.
So your capacity to navigate all of that with a soft heart and strong spine has to grow!
SIX – You can’t keep your unconscious patterns AND get your rich life.
Sometimes, ironically, the self limiting beliefs we hold about ourselves can be the hardest to let go of.
That’s because when you challenge them, it hurts.
When you run up against the core worthiness wound that stands between you and your financial success, or a primal fear of abandonment that limits you from trusting and opening fully in relationship, it is genuinely excruciating and terrifying.
If it was easy to transform these beliefs, more people would be doing it.
The overflowing life you dream of lives on the other side of those patterns, and having that life requires you to do the deep inner work of confronting and transforming those core stories about who you are and what’s possible in your life.
Without this, you will forever be chasing your financial success to prove to yourself that you’re worthy, or clinging in relationship to avoid the fear of abandonment.
In these scenarios, you’re not free, and everything you do will be underwritten by subtle fear and grasping.
SO much compassion for these core patterns in all of us. 💖
This deep work requires consistency, somatic attunement and deep loving presence, and I strongly recommend you get support from a practitioner you trust to guide you through it. (Reach out to me to discuss, if you’re ready to do this work.)
These six truths have coloured my journey as a woman and are hurdles I see women face in their own lives again and again.
This path can feel messy, but if you’re someone whose soul is calling for you to live deeply and fully, it’s required.
I’d love to know, have you experience some or all of these truths in your life?
Leave a comment or get in touch, I’d love to hear your experience, or what stood out to you from reading mine.
Big, Wild Love,
Nic
