I turned 36 yesterday! And my fiancé has been away overseas for work for the past 10 days. That’s been basically the longest we’ve spent apart since we ‘got serious’, and its felt like a wonderful opportunity to do some self reflection and ‘come back to myself’...
Previously, I’ve used independence, competence and being self sufficient as a protective mechanism. It felt pretty unsafe to me to need anybody, so I built a personality and life that let me avoid the vulnerability of that.
I’d been working on that pattern for a while, but it’s really unravelled since meeting Philip.
I’ve let myself open to, and need him in ways I’d never imagined possible.
It’s exquisitely beautiful, and terrifying at times.
I was so ready to give up my hyper-independence, and I’m so glad I did, but I’ve also learned that its a WHOLE different beast to be deeply in love with someone AND maintain a solid sense of myself.
I realise, with hindsight, that I haven’t done that before.
Although I’d been ‘in relationships’, my heart was often closed in protection. It was so engrained in my unconscious that my needs could not be met/did not matter, that I would exist in relationship without ever really risking myself. Without ever really exposing myself and letting myself be ‘known’ by my partners.
Despite yearning for deeper intimacy, I could always find a reason that ‘they’ would not be able to hold my heart if I shared it. Looking back, some of those reasons were true, but many were a ruse.
It’s SO vulnerable to be really close to another human being, navigate the challenges of life and relationship dynamics, and keep an open heart. To stay anchored in love and trust. I can see that I did not have the capacity for it before.
I didn’t have the skill to advocate for myself when my needs weren’t met. I couldn’t self-soothe effectively. I didn’t know how to set a boundary and then keep it. I was terrified of asserting myself.
All of this meant that I couldn’t trust the container that held my heart FOR ME and I was often out of integrity with myself to appear ‘easy going’ – so of course I couldn’t really open myself to another. So despite being ‘in relationship’, I was often at an emotional distance so that I could keep myself safe.
Truly, I was (and still am/always will be) the biggest barrier to me experiencing the intimacy I desire.
I didn’t trust MYSELF.
Intimacy is actually ugly, raw and uncomfortable. And I wasn’t ready for that truth.
It’s also exquisite, rich and nourishing! But you can’t take the beauty without the pain.
Want more intimacy and deep connection in your partnership?? Get ready to risk yourself. Get ready to be exposed. To be stripped of your excuses and to be honest unlike ever before.
That’s the deal.
These 10 days of Philip being away have been a wonderful chance to really return to myself without being in the immediate field of our love. To explore the ways that I’m still holding myself back from the connection I desire, and to look at how I can take responsibility for trusting MYSELF enough to open that bit further.
Turning 36 yesterday felt like a beautiful celebration. I’m proud of the woman I’ve become and what I’ve growth through to be here today, and I’m excited for the future.
I’m also very ready for him to come home! 🥰 Less than 24 hours till I’ll be back in his arms, and I can’t wait.
Are you living inside the intimacy you desire?
If not, what’s REALLY stopping you?