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Why Men Don’t Get You

Nicole Stewart
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And why they shouldn't have to...

An ambitious woman’s conundrum…

Could it be possible that you’re a different creature to your male bodied counterparts, and that if you really got the extent to which that’s true, you’d set yourself free?

I sit with a lot of smart women who tell me how “sick of men’s shit” they are, professionally, personally and intimately. 

They share this while also telling me they want to feel more understood by men, and often to find partnership and have families.

After telling me they’re sick of men’s shit, they often proceed to list a whole bunch of things as examples that are quite, well, male…

What if you have no idea what it’s like to live inside a body fuelled by testosterone and within a psychology thats been conditioned as male in today’s culture?

What if you assuming men should ‘get’ what it’s like to be you, is just as ignorant as assuming you get what its like to be them?

What if, homogenising your experience (female body and hormones, conditioned as female in culture) onto the men in your world – personally, professionally and intimately – is keeping you trapped in comparison, judgement, disappointment and competition?

I believe our differences can be fuel for curiosity, collaboration and celebration of our unique strengths.

Perhaps most importantly, I believe when a woman really grasps at a feeling level how different she is, it has the possibility of creating freedom in her psyche where she was previously stuck in judgement and pain.

If you’re clear that you know who men are (emotionally immature/unavailable, not attuned enough, insensitive, too arrogant etc), guess what the men in your life are going to show you?

Modern, driven women have often adopted strong masculine traits to succeed in the world, run effective households and show up for **all the things**.

I see many women spending a lot of energy feeling hurt, angry and frustrated that they’re not more seen and understood, while simultaneously capitulating to cultural pressure that has them overwork, abandon themselves and not care for and cultivate their own softness and radiance.

So who do you really want to be seen and understood by?

My guess? And my experience tells me; it’s YOU.

🌹

If you’re ignoring or neglecting your own needs for more slowness, space, softness, care, exercise, good food and whatever else helps you feel good, you’re going to suffer.

If you’re overworking, pushing past your limits, not letting yourself receive support from the people around you or let them know you need them, you’re going to suffer.

If you’re believing men are a bit inept, while also wanting to feel more met, cherished  and understood by good men, you’re going to suffer.

And SO OFTEN, these quandaries all exist in the same ambitious woman.

Why? I believe they show up together as a bi-product of where we are in our collective evolution and our cultural conditioning.

Many driven women today are chronically dissatisfied.

Depleted. Hardened. Over-giving. And, blaming men.

Instead, it’s time to ask yourself, what kind of Woman do you want to be?

How do you want to feel?

And how can you cultivate that feeling tone? What do you need from yourself for that to be possible?

How do you want to feel about your work?

How do you want to feel about your life?

How do you want to feel in your relationships?

Do you believe you’re worthy of having that? Can you hold your desire for all those things and keep cultivating them over time?

If you’re an ambitious woman who wants more harmony in her relationships with men, and also wants to feel more satisfied and fulfilled in life, I’d invite that its time to set yourself free.

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Never underestimate the power of your past. Because it’s not in the past. It’s here in this living moment with you – woven into your responses, choices and perceptions; baked into your nervous system and psyche through and reinforcement and repetition.

That doesn’t mean your past has to define you, not at all.

Though, you’re lying to yourself if you say ‘its in the past’, yet have done no work to clear the ripples of that past from your system to create space for something new.

Yesterday, in a session with my coach, I went ‘back in time’ to the end of 2020, when I went through an experience that was somewhat challenging for me.

Here is a sublime example

Despite acknowledging the challenge at the time, I realised looking back that I hadn’t fully resolved or digested what happened there.

Part of me stayed frozen in that experience, and on the subtlest of levels, I have gotten in my own way unconsciously ever since.

That past experience was with me in every moment. It informed my capacity and energy levels, choices and perceptions.

And this is how the past shapes us – you have experiences that your system ‘learns’ from, and you then – often completely unconsciously – adjust accordingly to avoid repeating painful or difficult events.

We are such clever adaptive creatures.

But, those ‘adaptations’ will inadvertently shape your behaviour, attitudes, thoughts and feelings in a way that can begin to inhibit your ability to fully show up for your business or career, relationships, and life in general.

If you bring the process of ‘learning’ from these past experiences into consciousness, you gift yourself the chance to mine the gold from the past, get the learnings and gifts link example: and then move forward with your life.

„ QUOTE DESIGN: I CALL THIS PROCESS ‘DIGESTING’ YOUR PAST EXPERIENCES, AND HAVE SPECIFIC PRACTICES I TEACH TO SUPPORT YOU TO DO THIS.“

I call this process ‘digesting’ your past experiences, and have specific practices I teach to support you to do this.

The challenges of the past – and your adaptations – can become like a cage you find yourself living in if you’re not aware, but this digestion process ensures your continued liberation…

Which past experiences do you need to free yourself from?

And this is how the past shapes us – you have experiences that your system ‘learns’ from, and you then – often completely unconsciously – adjust accordingly to avoid repeating painful or difficult events.

We are such clever adaptive creatures.

But, those ‘adaptations’ will inadvertently shape your behaviour, attitudes, thoughts and feelings in a way that can begin to inhibit your ability to fully show up for your business or career, relationships, and life in general.

If you bring the process of ‘learning’ from these past experiences into consciousness, you gift yourself the chance to mine the gold from the past, get the learnings.

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