Dear Nicole Stewart,
It has been a rich 38 years!
You are tenacious, sentimental, big hearted, dedicated, sensitive, irreverent and fiercely loyal. You’re passionate, nerdy about what lights you up and fascinates you, and can be totally tunnel visioned. You’re stubborn, and suck at details.. until it’s something that’s really important to you, then you dot the i’s and cross the t’s like a pro. You’re a dreamer with a dark sense of humour, and you’re deeply compassionate…most of the time.
You’re perfectly imperfect. Quirky. A square peg in a world of round holes. It’s been hard at times: some of your patterns have impacted you and those you love in ways that have been painful. You’ve also really done your best to be accountable and learn from your mistakes. You’ve had your heart broken, and broken hearts. You’ve adventured hard. You’ve pursued your dreams, and in some ways you’ve had huge success and made amazing impact…in others you’re only just hitting your stride.
And in three weeks, you’ll be my past.
Because in three weeks, I’ll become Nicole Bateman.
For me, this doesn’t feel like a piece of paperwork and a new driver’s license. This is a threshold.
I’m becoming a Wife: I’ll be someone new. And also, of course, still me.
I love thresholds, like birthdays and new years – they feel like underrated opportunities to reassess, reflect, and choose what will I take with me, and what will I leave behind?
And Marriage is one of the biggest thresholds we’ll ever cross and one of the most impactful choices we’ll make for our lives – to marry or not, and to whom…
So, as I look back on 38 years of ‘Nicole Stewart’, I’m filled with gratitude. I have SO many gorgeous memories already.
I’m proud of my achievements and efforts, and the woman I’ve been and continue to become.
And I’m SO delighted to have met Philip, and be embarking on this next chapter together!
Marriage for me feels like a deeply human journey of companionship, support, adventure and care.. AND, a deeply spiritual path of growth, initiation, purification and devotion.
I was only just finding the words for this 5 years ago when I met Philip, but even before that I’ve always known on some level that my soul wants to do much of my growth in this life through intimate partnership.
I KNOW Marriage will be the mirror in which I see my biggest flaws reflected back to me, AND my richest potential and goodness.. And, I know it’s the crucible in which I’ll have the chance to flower into the fullness of that potential.
Last weekend, my close community held me in the most exquisite Hen’s Party, drenched in celebration, love, laughter and support!
We ate and drank, danced and laughed. We sat in a circle and my community shared their wisdom and blessings for my journey. They shared what they’d learned from their lives and marriages, successes and failures.
It felt like SUCH a gift to receive their presence and love in this way.
I’m grateful I have those moments now woven into my story that I get to carry with me.
One of the biggest things I’m leaving behind in the ‘Nicole Stewart Era’ 😅 is my hyper-independence. I have lived most of my life so far as something of an island.
In a world that rewards the ‘strong independent woman’ archetype, it was oh-so-easy to hide my wounds and protective mechanisms behind the capable modern woman and the charismatic outgoing personality.
I didn’t know I was doing this, but I was.
People could get close, but not too close.
My relationship with Philip has already grown me the hell up out of this in many ways – from something of a wild, headstrong party girl who liked to push edges and absolutely had something to prove, I’ve been rearranged into a woman who is inhabiting and discovering her power in deeper and more mature ways.
I’m softer, quieter, slower and more discerning. At the same time, I’m more grateful, happy, present, turned on and alive.
I’m excited and inspired to get to know myself as Wife. Who is Nicole Bateman? I’m sure she has some surprises for me!
I’ve crossed a handful of big thresholds, and passed through significant identity shifts before…as well as many, many tiny and imperceptible thresholds and shifts in who I was or what mattered most. These shifts along the way aren’t always marked with a party or public celebration, but they happen for all of us.
So whatever doorway you find yourself standing before right now, I hope you give yourself the grace to pause there, to feel the weight and wonder of what’s been, and what’s still to come.
